A month ago, I posted a blog on my frustration with fitting back into my Fat Jeans again. At that point, I’d lost a whopping 1 ½ lbs, and was determined to keep going. So, consider this my update in frustration. I don’t know which irritates me more – the mirror or the scale.
I am doing serious battle with my body right now. And that’s not like me. My body and I have always gotten along pretty well. I’ve always been pretty in tune with what my body was doing and feeling. Every little change was noted and acknowledged. After a serious bout of IBS in my twenties, I learned that I could control some health issues (especially stress-induced ones) with a few moments of deep breathing, a good night’s sleep, a few days of simple foods, and truly paying attention to what my body was telling me it needed. We got each other.
I married a great cook, so it was only naturally that some pounds came on after a while. I accused him of making me “fat and happy”. I had moved from an active lifestyle of horseback riding and farming to a sedentary suburban life. It wasn’t my body’s fault that I gained weight – it was mine. And when I decided eight years ago that I could be stronger than the food in my life, I dropped the weight and kept it off. I felt terrific.
But my body has now joined the dark side. My metabolism changes every year, and not in a good way. Pounds come on in bunches, for no good reason. Ten pounds a few summers ago. Five here, five there, and another three this past April. My body feels heavy, especially around the middle, and my clothes are uncomfortable. I’m not at all at peace with my body right now. Even Zumba isn’t weaving its magic spell this year (oh, sure, it’s fun, as I wrote a few weeks ago), but my body is unimpressed at the moment.
My body has become the enemy. Stubborn, pouting, grumpy, lumpy and lazy. It’s become old and cranky. I stare at it in the mirror, and I’m horrified. Officially, I’m within my healthy weight range, BMI and all that jazz, but my body is turning into something unrecognizable. For crying out loud, I’m only fifteen pounds over my target goal weight! The mirror shows me the extra weight, along with things like my skin, once taut, but now crepey and loose – under my chin, on the back of my hands, on my stomach, in my cleavage.
And speaking of cleavage…oh, never mind. Let’s just say my breasts are following gravity toward my waistline at a rapid pace. And when the hell did I grow boobs on my back? Suddenly there are big rolls of skin on my back that show under t-shirts and sweaters. And bathing suits? Forget about it. All that extra flesh is determined to burst out in the most unbecoming places. Ignore all the hype about the Miraclesuits. Sure, your body is held in very nicely everywhere the suit is, but wherever it isn’t – – – who are we trying to kid?
I’m trying, damn it! I’m going to Zumba, I’m walking almost every day, I’m drinking Slim Fast shakes, I’m trying to watch what I eat (I know I’ve cut calories), I’m even drinking 55 calorie beer, for crying out loud!! I bought Wii Fit, and I’ve been using it daily for a whole week. And my body is still sitting at the same place it was a month ago. Seriously??? Not an ounce lost?? In a month?? What kind of cruel trick is that? I’m sitting here at the computer with my jeans (not the Fat Jeans) both unbuttoned and partially unzipped for comfort, and that really ticks me off.
But I am not giving up. Like a marriage going through a rough patch, my body and I are just having a hard time right now. We’ll work through it and work it out. I stare at my reflection and try to understand (and try to love) what I’m seeing. I’m not one of those silly women who flail away at the aging process in panic, trying so desperately to look twenty-five forever. I know that some changes are inevitable as I age. I generally like getting older. I can handle my crow’s feet and a certain degree of sag here and there. But enough is enough. This creeping, crepey invasion of flabby flesh is going to stop.
It’s time for a little “tough love” with this body of mine. We have to get back on the same page. This month-long plateau is going to end. I may have to pay the price in some hunger pangs and unopened bottles of wine, but I can do it. A little extra sweat. More fruit and veggies (I’m munching strawberries right now). A lot more water (yup, got a glass of water in front of me). The Wii every single morning. A walk every single day …. well, maybe not every day… but close to it. Zumba at least twice a week. I’ll drag my petulant body along for a while until it gets with the program and decides to join me.
I’m not looking to get a 36-24-36 Barbie doll figure. I’m far more realistic than that. I just want my reflection to show a healthy, at least moderately fit, body. A body I can relate to again. With a minimum of nasty surprises in the mirror as time goes by. Stay tuned………………………………..