Hey – we may as well have fun as we go sliding into old age, right?

Posts tagged ‘sex’

Boomer Men Behaving Badly…

[I’m back!  For those of you who are not subscribers or regular readers, that doesn’t mean much.  But my regulars know that I’ve been on an unannounced and unplanned hiatus for a couple of months.  It all started with vacation, then a writing project that went awry, some major research projects at my “real job” that left me uninterested in sitting in front of my home computer, a new puppy that consumed much of my free time (more about her another time), and on and on and blah, blah, blah.  Sorry.  Once you drop a good habit, it’s hard work to pick it back up again.  But I’m back – I promise.]

Apparently, it’s hard difficult to be a man.  Much harder more difficult than we women ever imagined, I guess.  Who knew that that their entire lives appear to be driven by their “family jewels”?  Do men really just go through life looking for women to jump into bed with, or if not that, then to make sure that women are lusting for and flirting with them?  And the women don’t have to be (or preferably are not) their wives.  You remember wives, don’t you?  That woman you proposed to, professed your love for, and exchanged wedding vows with?  There are all kinds of jokes about guys thinking with their penises.  But did we ever suspect that it was true for so many of them?  Should I just assume that every man I talk to is looking around for a “fresh score” somewhere? 

Don’t get me wrong – I am madly in love with my husband and I trust him implicitly.  But how can I not become cynical about the male gender in general after watching the news over the past few years?  The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming that men really can be pigs.  And complete idiots.

While President of the United States, Bill Clinton (married father) cavorted in the White House with interns and cigars.  Ew-w-w-w-w.  Former Nevada Senator John Ensign (married father) had an affair with an aide (she was also married), and paid off her and her husband to keep it quiet (idiot).  California state legislator Mike Duvall (married father) got caught on a live mike bragging to a fellow legislator about spanking one of several girlfriends (idiot).  Former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer (married father) was well-known “client 9” at an upscale prostitution service.  Louisiana Senator David Vitter (married father) frequented brothels for years (and still got re-elected).  Former Indiana Congressman Mark Souder (married) had an affair with a staffer.  Former New York Congressman Chris Lee (married father) sent a ridiculous shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met on a Craigslist dating ad, trying to hook up.  Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (married father) vanished for days and was discovered to be in Argentina with his “soul mate” lover.  He lied to everyone, including his closest aides, about his whereabouts and claimed to be hiking the Appalachian trail (idiot).  Former North Carolina Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards (married father) cheated on his dying wife with a member of his staff (no pun intended…), had a child with her, allowed her to parade around visibly pregnant during the campaign, and encouraged another staff member to claim to be the father (idiot and slimebag). 

Arnold Schwarzenegger (married father who’s both a celebrity and politician) had a pregnant wife and pregnant mistress at the same time (don’t tell me he didn’t know the married housekeeper was carrying his child).  That’s about as low as it gets.  Can you even imagine how Maria felt finding out 12 years later that she’s been friends with this woman and child, and all the while the woman and her own husband were keeping this terrible secret from her? 

And now it’s the Weiner.  You just can’t make this stuff up.  New York Congressman Anthony Weiner (newly married and possible father-to-be) took lewd and ridiculous pictures of himself and Twittered them out to young women/girls, and carried on flirtatious text conversations with them (idiot).

What else do these guys have in common, other than being married political scumbags?  They’re all Baby Boomers (Lee and Weiner were born in 1964 – the last year of the Boomer generation).  I’m not suggesting that Boomers invented infidelity, but our men certainly seem to have perfected it.  At least the generations before us were discreet.  But our men, especially our politically-driven men, apparently don’t know the meaning of discretion.  They seem to just lose all common sense in their desire to be seen as attractive to younger women.  They can’t be satisfied with buying a sports car or motorcycle like their dads did to feel younger and manly.  Nope – they’re preening in front of mirrors and taking pictures of their foolish half-naked selves (and their bulging underwear) and sending them out on social websites.  IDIOTS!

I suspect it’s less about the actual act of sex (although they certainly seem to be obsessed with that, too) and more about ego.  These powerful men seem to have very fragile self-esteems, and they have a need to feel that they’re virile and sexy.  They want to be desired.  By every woman on the planet.  The younger the better.  I think they also get turned on by the illicit factor of these affairs, and by the flirtatious nature of the communications (“Oo, I want you baby!” “You’re so hot!” “I can’t wait to [bleep] you!”).

Now, Boomer women admittedly have egos, too.  We spend millions on beauty products and cosmetic surgery in order to feel and look younger than we really are.  We want to be seen as attractive.  And yes, some have had indiscretions.  But we usually want to be attractive to that guy we married, not to the 21-year-old college kid down the street. 

Guys (and gals) of the Boomer Generation – – – we’re growing older.  Deal with it with at least a little bit of class, will you please?  Boinking college co-eds isn’t the way to do it.  Waxing your chest and sending pictures to women who are not your wives isn’t the way to do it.  Having babies with women who are not your wives is DEFINITELY not the way to do it.  If you can’t control your sexual urges, then be honest with yourself and your spouse and become single again so you can run around and boink anyone you want without hurting your family. 

And for crying out loud, politicians – STOP SENDING PICTURES AND TEXTS!  You’re running around with bimbettes, and guess what – bimbettes are called that for a reason.  They’re stupid.  And they’re going to brag to their girlfriends about boinking a senator.  They’re going to save your texts and pictures to share with their BFFs.  And the next thing you know, you and your family are on the evening news for all the wrong reasons. 

Better yet – just stop being idiots.  GROW UP, keep your whizzer in your pants, and stay faithful to your spouses.

Boomers and Their Naughty Toys

It’s hardly news that Baby Boomers are seriously changing the world as we pass through our various life stages en masse.  And a lot of those changes have been good.  We raised civil disobedience to an art form.  We marched on Washington as college students, and now we’re doing it as grandparents, as fervent as ever.

And speaking of grandparents, have you noticed that Boomers are not at all interested in being called grandparents?  Oh, we love our grandchildren dearly, but I don’t think I know any Boomers who allow their grandchildren to call them “Grandma” or “Grandpa”.  No, we’re “Pop-pop” and “Nay-Nay”.  Or “Bubba” and “Gammy”.  Or Papa and Gaga.  I’m “Nana” myself, but I have an excuse – my wonderful grandchildren are courtesy of my husband’s children, and I don’t feel I have the right to be called “Grandma”.  But of the seven grandkids and multiple sets of grandparents, I don’t think there’s a “Grandma” or “Grandpa” in the bunch.  Apparently Boomers are rather traumatized at the thought of admitting we might be as old as our own grandparents always seemed to be.  And in typical Boomer fashion, rather than address a problem, we promptly avoid it by calling it something else.  We’re not old as long as we insist on not being called “Grandma.”

We’ve changed entire industries as we’ve gracefully (or not so gracefully) aged.  Decades ago, the cosmetic companies catered to the young.  Already beautiful, store cosmetics simply enhanced the natural beauty of young women everywhere.  But now, young women have a hard time finding cosmetics to fit their needs.  Everything is marketed to boomers, with a major emphasis on “younger looking skin”, “hydrating formulas” and “reduced lines and wrinkles”.  We Boomer ladies are not ready to be old, and we’re certainly not ready (or willing) to look old!  First, it was products designed for women over 40 – that made headlines back in the day.  Now, most companies have products aimed at women over 50.  And several (including Avon) are actively working on products for women over 60. 

Our drive to remain forever young has also given birth to a booming (pardon the pun) cosmetic surgery industry.  We’ve moved beyond facelifts and nose jobs to laser peels, eye lifts, neck tucks, breast augmentations, and lyposuction.   Cosmetic surgeons can now basically sculpt our bodies – removing a little fat here (tummy), and injecting it there (face, to reduce wrinkles).  Puffy belly and drooping derriere?  No problem – they can pull fat from the front and inject it in the backside.  And my fellow Baby Boomers are lining up for every procedure that can be imagined.  After all, if we’re not going to be called grandparents, we’re certainly not going to look like grandparents!

I know we’re changing the world, and changing industries, and redefining the term “senior citizen”, and that’s all well and good.  I like the idea of becoming a sassy senior citizen, sliding into old like a runner sliding into home base, instead of just toddling there.  But there are some things that were just fine the way they were.  

When I was in my twenties, there were certain stores where you went to buy naughty little toys for the boudoir.   Not necessarily XXX adult stores (ew-w-w!), but grown-up stores where sexy lingerie and silly little things where offered in a discreet manner in the back corner.  But now, Boomers are as in-your-face about our sexuality as we are about everything else.  Watch any television show, and you’ll see the commercials where couples our age just touch each other, and suddenly the music crescendos and the kitchen walls fall away to reveal waterfalls as the they dance in each other’s arms and head off to do heaven-knows-what – as long as he’s taking the right blue pill.  Okay, I get it.  Boomers are still having sex.  That’s cool.  Really.  But do we have to make it prime-time conversation?  Whatever happened to a quiet talk with your doctor, and a quiet drive to the store?  Do we really need it in our living rooms every night?  

When I first started receiving catalogs in the mail that cater to Boomers, like “As We Change” (a favorite), I loved the clothes and shoes and bathing suits designed for women older than 25.  But it took me a while to get used to a fairly large section of the catalog that was openly dedicated to vibrators, lubricants, etc.  Really?  When did sex toys become mainstream?  No plain manila envelope anymore – this stuff is right there in color.  Call me naïve, but I’m like a pre-teen sneaking a peek at Playboy magazine – I’m turning the page upside down, studying the products, and trying to figure out how some of them are used.  A cone?  Seriously?

But the final straw was yesterday’s mail, when we received an innocuous catalog from Carol Wright Gifts.  This is one of those tacky little catalogs where you can sometimes find cute stocking stuffers, toys for the grandkids, or just get a laugh at the “as seen on TV” miracle products (“you don’t need a gym – just use our amazing Body Builder shake weight twice a day for a body like Atlas!”).   So there I am, flipping through pages of flannel pajamas, velour slippers, Pillow Pets, and orthotic insoles.  And there, right on page 16 (and 17 and 48 and 49), are full color pages of sex toys!  Explicit sex toys.  Really explicit.  With “lifelike skin” (double ew-w-w!). 

This is all in the same mail order catalog that sells Bissell sweepers, waterproof bed pads and a walker with a food tray attached.  On one page I can buy a Magic G or Rabbit Bleu (look it up if you want – I’m not explaining).  On the next, I can order a pretty woven blanket with a poem about daughters.  On one page I can buy a turtleneck dickie.  On the next, I can buy a mechanized one.  Puh-leez!  Do we really need to be able to buy our sex toys from the same place we buy our dog toys?

I know we Boomers are a progressive bunch, and we love to talk and share and hold hands and tell everyone what we like and don’t like.  But there are some things that really can remain in the closet (or bottom drawer, or whatever).  I’m not judging, but I simply don’t want to know that my friends might be using these things!  And I pity the poor parents with young children who may stumble across an innocent-looking catalog like this….that’s a conversation that no parent wants to be forced into having.  I’m not railing against the products.  I just don’t need them showing up in my mailbox unannounced. 

We may think our parents’ generation was prudish, but sometimes a little decorum and discretion is appropriate.  The constant Viagra commercials are bad enough, but I dread the day I see a commercial in prime time for the Amazing Butterfly Kiss.  Some things just need to stay in the bedroom with the lights dimmed, don’t you think???

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